A toxic relationship is an unhealthy relationship-it is toxic. When I think of this in my relationship or in a relationship where I work as a sex therapist with friends or couples, I think of anything abuse, control, or manipulation. These behaviors are harmful, but they may sometimes start small and then start to grow.
This is the terrible part of the toxicity in the relationship. In the end you may want to know how you got there, because when you first became a couple, that was not the case. But maybe it is? Maybe there are some small signs, because sometimes we really don’t pay attention to the red flags.
Signs of a toxic relationship
Of course, abuse should not be tolerated, but sometimes as a therapist, I see signs of abuse in the way the couples I work with talk to each other. I have seen a lot in the couple I work with now; in their battle. When they are angry, they will say “I love you” in one minute and “Fuck you” in the next minute. These words cannot be taken back after you reconcile. They hurt me. I have also seen clients in which a partner in a couple devalued or embarrassed the other in public. Say something like: “They are too stupid.” The road back from there was very difficult.
Long-term confidentiality is also an important sign of a toxic relationship. When I see a couple together, sometimes I also see them alone. If in one of our individual meetings, they told me they would never tell their partner secrets and said they had hidden certain things, it would be really harmful. There is a difference between privacy and confidentiality. Some things are private; your phone is private, and your password is private. However, when you develop a strategic approach to secrecy, such as saving “John” as “Joanne” on your phone-this is unhealthy. As soon as I saw it, I suggested that we talk. I asked this person what hindered their honesty and what was behind it.
Controlling behavior is also very harmful. For example, control the other person’s whereabouts, what they wear, who they are talking to, or when they come and go. Sometimes you want to know where your partner is, which is great. But when it is done in a controlled manner, it can be toxic.
I have seen toxic control behaviors in my friends’ relationships; they cannot go anywhere without their partner’s permission. They must say where they are or have a locator on their phone so their partner can know where they are at any time. For some relationships, this kind of monitoring is normal and acceptable to both parties. But when it becomes more about control, when a partner starts to feel suffocated or stressed, or when that person starts to lie that they are somewhere else, it is definitely a problem.
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Causes of toxic relationships
Usually, for the couples I work with, bad behavior comes from unresolved insecurity or past trauma and betrayal. These problems may or may not be related to the current relationship. It can even be traced back to the problems of individuals and their parents. However, when these problems are not resolved and worsen, they will begin to appear in the form of controlled or harmful behaviors. People establish patterns of behavior, and then they can bring it into the relationship. These may be small at first, and people may not even label them as toxic, but over time they will build up.
I work with a couple who had an affair-the male partner had an affair, another sexual relationship, and he was unwilling to give up. He said in a couple meeting that he was going to give up this matter, but in a private meeting with me he said that he had no intention of doing so. He showed a pattern of ignoring and disrespecting the feelings of others. In fact, in this entire relationship, he showed a pattern of power and disregard for women, which was unfortunately inherited from the role models given to him by his elders. In the end, he was unwilling to change from this perspective. He also harbored unresolved anger towards his wife, and he tried to reconcile. This behavior of male partners has manifested as a pattern in many different areas, and the relationship has deteriorated over time.
One thing I did was to help a couple understand what happened in their lives. Something-although I am not saying it is the fault of the partner of the recipient of the bad behavior-may trigger the person to react in a harmful way. Self-awareness and spousal awareness are very important, and sometimes this may involve personal work with a partner. The couple still needs to deal with the relationship, but that person really needs to deal with these issues, so they will not repeat those patterns of harmful behavior.
There are often confrontations in relationships; disputes and disagreements. The problem is not the argument, but how you solve the problem through conflict management and resolution.
If every argument deteriorates into verbal abuse or physical abuse, then of course it must stop and the relationship must end. Verbal abuse is certainly sufficient to end a relationship, but it is also important to remember that once a person starts to abuse on one level, it is easy to become abuse on another level; psychological abuse, physical abuse, sexual abuse, and financial abuse.
If one or both parties show signs of bad behavior and are willing to continue to solve these problems, I suggest that the couples I work with should protect them. If a person reacts in a certain way and hurts their partner and does not want to do so, they may benefit from asking themselves what happened instead of blaming their partner. It is important to own your own actions and take responsibility. Maybe this requires some personal consultation. Or, the first step may be to have a conversation with other partners about what is happening and the results that lead to it, and acknowledge which methods are ineffective.
I used to have a couple in oral competitions. They didn’t hear each other’s voice, they just listened in response. I suggest that they write a letter to each other to explain their feelings, because it is difficult to interrupt a letter. I find it really helpful when couples have difficulty communicating verbally. They can read the letter back to see how the other person feels.
I have seen some relationships established through bad behavior, but it does take time and awareness, and I will never encourage any form of emotional or physical abuse. Any work on ourselves requires us to slow down, and sometimes people will be impatient. Self-awareness and changing behavior require tolerance and patience.
Gwen Butler LCSW, CST is AASECT Certified Sex Therapist Focus on sexual health and sexual pleasure. She provides personal and couple consultations and seminars in a private clinic in Long Island, New York. Her book Indulge: 25 Indulgences to Unlock your Sensual Self is Available here.
All opinions expressed in this article are the author’s own.
As told to Jenny Howard.
