by Assunta Ng
Northwest Asia Weekly
Evelyn Hou
Recently, my former student Evelyn Hou died suddenly at the age of 58 from invasive cancer. Her relatives were shocked because she usually seemed cheerful and normal, with no health issues. But beneath her smile, her life was far from perfect. Moms, please learn Hou’s story.
I met Hou in my seventh-grade social studies class at Asamercer Junior High (now Middle School). As a child, she was lively, cheerful and full of energy. We didn’t keep in touch, but her aunt was my friend.
In 1982, high school student Hou learned that I was starting a Chinese newspaper. She took a graphics/printing course in order to study and print the first marketing poster for the Seattle Chinese Post. She even offered to print my business card. This is Hou Hsiao-hsien’s way of expressing his gratitude to his former teacher. She prints them all beautifully and only charges for materials. By accident, we made a connection 12 years ago. I asked around if there were any Asian businesses that could make banners for us. I was thrilled when I found out that she and her husband own Bellevue Embroidery, a company that designs marketing and advertising materials.
Photo by Assunta Ng
By then, she had three children, two of whom were under 10 years old.
Soon, I could tell that she was pretty much an all-encompassing person—caring for the family and running the business together. She was the one who brought her kids to our Chinese New Year Children’s Parade and Costume Contest. It was she who gave us those banners and plaques. It was her efforts to keep me informed about her daughter’s performance at various events, including news of her receiving awards and recognition.
Hou brought her 9-year-old daughter Lena to sing the national anthem at the Asia Weekly dinner in honor of Jay Inslee, who was mesmerized by the performance. Inslee invites Lena to perform at his inauguration, and Hou drives Lena to Olympia. Additionally, she is active in several community groups.
At one point, she cried over the phone.
“You know how hard it is for me to do everything by myself?”
I figured it was enough to be a good listener, not realizing that she might cry for help. I know how tired she is all these years. I’ve never heard of her going on vacation or doing anything fun for herself. I regret that I couldn’t lighten her load with any sensible words at the time.
In October last year, Hou Hsiao-hsien’s husband died, a tragedy befell Hou Hsiao-hsien and her family. The pandemic certainly hasn’t relieved her pain, burden and distress over the past two years. Every day, her responsibilities and pressures increase.
While I’m not a mental health expert, women are often under a lot of stress in the process of maintaining a family. Women put family first and health second.
A mother’s health is the best gift you can give your family.
During the service, a friend told me that Mr. Hou had not received any physical examination for more than two years. Time and again, women use excuses like “I don’t have time” to take care of others instead of themselves. I have to do this and that. I don’t have the money to go to the doctor because I need it for my kid’s karate class. “Mother’s health is the best gift to the family. If the mother falls ill, it will have dire consequences for the family, just like in Hou’s case.
change our attitude
Moms, please be kind to yourself. love yourself. Take good care of yourself. A woman must practice self-love for the sake of her family. Don’t make the mistake of thinking that if you love yourself, you are selfish. This is actually the opposite. Your well-being is important if you want to be with your family for a long time. Don’t forget we women are not machines. Every now and then, even machines break down and need oil for lubrication and refurbishment.
You have the right to set aside time each day to focus on yourself so you can relax, exercise and renew yourself. A study in Psychology Today found that “distractions reduce well-being.” Taking care of a family is a never-ending cycle where women are constantly bombarded with demands and unexpected tasks. So, taking 10 minutes a day to do nothing can improve your physical and mental health.
Let husband share housework
Some men will find all kinds of excuses not to share housework. Let them take on some chores. Melinda French once had her husband Bill Gates drive the kids to school before their divorce. Of course, he was initially against the idea. Finally, he gave in.
Why is child care only a woman’s responsibility? We must train men to be equal partners in every sense because they are also parents.
Hooray, for those who get it.
Teach your child to do chores
Don’t do everything yourself. Teach your child to be independent. I used to spoil my kids by not letting them do a lot of chores at home. When they grow up, I tell them to wash the dishes, take out the trash, and even rinse the vegetables at dinner. Now, I recommend that all families let their children share these responsibilities when they are young.
In my days my mom used to let me do the laundry and cook and never let my stepbrother do anything. And my stepbrother turned out to be spoiled, rotten and irresponsible. His attitude towards women was never respectful. It’s a lesson for moms who just want to spoil their sons and leave all the work to their daughters.
set boundaries
I used to think I was an iron lady who could work hard for long hours. That is stupid. Just working without having fun is not a balanced life. The pandemic has taught me to set boundaries. Constantly working without breaks or fun shows that you are being cruel to yourself.
Set the number of hours each day to do things for your family. If you take time off, you don’t have to feel guilty about it. Moms, you’ve earned it. You may have to defend your right to your family until they get it and respect your worth. This Mother’s Day is a wake-up call for you to design a new resolution and set yourself free.
May you have the best Mother’s Day!
Assunta can reach assunta@nwasianweekly.com.
