I stopped drinking on January 13, 2021. My husband’s birthday is New Year’s Day. When I woke up on January 2 this year, after drinking the night before, I drank vodka directly and it came back from my nose. My body just started rejecting alcohol.
I recently started sharing my experience on social media, but my addiction started about 28 years ago. I drink and take drugs for a long time; punish my body. I grew up in Forest Grove, Oregon and was adopted, but my parents never drink, take drugs, or smoke. My mother always honestly said that I was adopted and I did meet my biological parents when I was 24 years old. I can understand where this addictive nature may come from, but I will not try to attribute it to family inheritance. I just want to numb myself. I was raped when I was very young, and I think this triggered a feeling that as a woman, I was not good enough. I have many questions.
I was 24 when I started taking drugs. I got a sample of a prescription drug, and I liked it the first time I took it because I hate my life. My marriage with my ex-husband is not good, so this is an outlet.
I had a lot of operations in my 20s, so it was easy to get these medicines, but once I deliberately sprayed an oven cleaner on my body. I had to figure out some way to get the pills. Once you become addicted, it will get out of the car; withdrawals are crazy.
Even a pill, how can you come up with money, it’s crazy. After I became addicted, I never wanted to feel those withdrawals. Despair prevailed. I would take two or three buses and pool money in some way, and when I think about it, it just surprises me.
But it wasn’t until I was around 30 that I started drinking too much. I just want to drink more. I feel that if I drink alcohol and mix pills, I can bear my life. But I am a closet addict. I never go to a party to take drugs. I don’t want anyone to know that this is bad.
I started taking methamphetamine in 2008. I only take methamphetamine. No one knew about it for many years. I like it because I have lost weight and I am too lazy to exercise. When I was doing methamphetamine, I didn’t look that bad. I have never lost a tooth, and I always put on makeup. I have never looked like a typical methamphetamine addict. In 2009, I quit prescription drugs and experienced severe withdrawal symptoms, including vomiting, diarrhea, and blurred vision. It felt like a flu, but it was a thousand times worse. I participated in a rehabilitation program in Washington.
But I didn’t stop taking methamphetamine until 2019 because of my first panic attack. It started to bother me a lot, so I was done. Within a few weeks after stopping the medication, I experienced sugar cravings, fatigue, excitement, and some hallucinations and panic attacks, but on July 31, I will stay away from methamphetamine for two years.
After I quit methamphetamine, I became heavier and my doctor told me that I needed to lose weight and stop drinking. But I am not used to it well, I must have a bad habit. From 9 o’clock in the morning, I started to drink one-fifth of the vodka. Then I will follow up with some soda. To be honest, I never even like alcohol. I’m just not ready yet, I want to feel what real life is.
During those two years, I would give up drinking for a week or a month, but by January of this year, my body really started to reject alcohol. Moreover, when I drink, I collapse. This is ridiculous. Before meeting my second husband, Steve, I had never been in love in my life-I don’t know how love feels. So I don’t want to lose him. I know I must stop.
I also had high blood pressure and swelling of my legs, and I had to undergo hemorrhoidectomy. Alcohol makes me sweat, and I never sweat for a second. Once I stopped drinking, these problems diminished.
Trina Bell
I have been to NA and AA, but did not have a good experience. I tried it, but it didn’t work for me. I must get rid of my demons, suppress emotions and forgive; this is my journey. I have received psychological counseling in the past, but I don’t have it anymore, and I have indeed stopped drinking and taking methamphetamine by myself, which I do not recommend. I think speaking is my way to stay awake and sensible. I hope I can be strong enough, until I die, there will be no problems again. But I never promise, because anyone can relapse.
Although I use CBD oil, I am now completely abstinent from alcohol and drugs. But about eight and a half weeks ago, I woke up to find that my stomach was bloated. I don’t remember anything weird. Then it did not go away, if I eat or drink anything, the situation will get worse and I start to have stretch marks.
I called my doctor, we did blood tests, I did two ultrasounds, one MRI and three CAT scans. The doctor thinks I have ascites, which is effusion, and the people on TikTok also say the same. But it is not liquid, so my doctor has been checking it. I don’t really have physical pain, I just feel uncomfortable. I can’t stand for more than ten minutes because I started to cramp.
My results indicate that I may be in the early stages of cirrhosis. Four years ago, I was diagnosed with extreme fatty infiltration of the liver. Although my Fibro test scores show that my liver fibrosis is currently mild, my gamma glutamyltransferase (GGT) is 106, which is an average It should be around 36. This is a sign of liver disease. About a month ago, the doctor said that my examination results showed hepatomegaly, that is, liver enlargement. My bloating is probably caused by my liver squeezing my organs. My waist circumference was 45.75 inches five months ago, now it is 52.25 inches, but I am actually losing weight. But there is no definite diagnosis or answer. I drew a lot of blood, and in August I was referred to a specialist in Portland, Oregon.
Trina Bell
People say on the Internet that I do not have cirrhosis because my eyes are not yellow. No one is exactly the same, and those people are in fully mature liver cirrhosis. But I have done my first urinalysis, which is part of the liver cirrhosis program, and the doctor also checked its substance usage, just in case I had to be on the transplant list. You must prove that you have stopped drinking for six months.
I just feel it necessary to share what happened to me online. A video of my stomach bloating has been viewed 13 million times on TikTok. Sharing it is part of my healing process. I think if I could reach, warn, or help someone, I would be so humble. Now, people tell me that their mom or dad looks like this. I started crying because I couldn’t keep up with the news. I am reading them and I care about them.
The first question I got was people asking what they could do to get their loved ones to give up alcohol or drugs. My answer is, you can’t. An addict and alcoholic will not quit smoking until their conditions are met and they have had enough. This is sad because sometimes it is too late.
I want people to know that there is nothing wrong with being afraid. But it’s okay to be brave. I think people are afraid to talk to their doctors because they may be judged. This is sad. This prevents many people from asking for help. There are great doctors out there to help you.
Trina Bell
I do not regret becoming sober. When you are clean and sober, your apology is different. Those feelings are coming out. I am not a good mother at all. My eldest son has been going in and out of prison and had problems from the beginning. But I don’t think I can apologize to my children more sincerely. Fortunately, we do have a relationship. I always try my best now.
Sometimes, if I have a bad day, which is not common, I will feel tired. Obviously there is a problem, but what are you going to do? I have restrictions now. These are the consequences of my addiction. But there is no turning back, you can only go forward.
Trina Beil and her husband Steve live in Oregon.You can follow her on Douyin @trinabeil On Instagram @trina.beil.
All views expressed in this article are the author’s own views.
As told to Jenny Howard.
