Having a baby is the most magical and incredible journey. There’s really no way to prepare for this or know what to expect. The moment you meet your baby changes your life because not only is a new life born, but you will never be the same. Yes, it’s all very scary.
I vividly remember the moment I felt sad for the first time. The “honeymoon period” for newborn babies begins to fade, and sleep deprivation begins to take its toll. A week after Willis was born, we were sitting on the sofa. I just put our beautiful boy to sleep and put him in his pack-n-play in the living room for a nap. My husband and I rubbed on the couch and hit the play button for the movie we were lining up for.
I heard rustling, whimpering, and then the crying started. My heart sank, exhaustion lurking like a dark cloud. please give me an hour to myself I think. I watched my husband and the freedom of our pre-parenting life played out in front of me like a movie. Drinking late at night, laughing and bingeing on Netflix – show after show… the world doesn’t care. Irresponsible for a little helpless person. no longer, I think, This is our new reality.
Sadness and sadness swept through me, forming a tight knot in my chest. My throat was swollen, and a feeling of confinement came over me. Then feel guilty… How can I feel this way when we have this beautiful little miracle in front of us? This miracle is something I have worked hard to grow inside of me over a nine-month period…I can’t wait to see and love him with every part of my soul and show it to the world.
My husband saw my tears and held me while I shared my dark inner thoughts. “It’s okay,” he said, “I miss you and me too. But we have this little guy now and he’s amazing. Day by day.” He validated my feelings and allowed me to feel them. He got up, picked up the little bouquet of love we created together, and took him back to the couch. He put his arms around our little boy and me, and we snuggled together to watch a movie. It’s different and takes some getting used to, but soon I can’t imagine life without this little guy and all the love, joy and sweetness he brings.
For many new parents, grieving about a past life is a common stepping stone. The change that comes with parenting is no small feat, and it’s permanent. It can be incredibly overwhelming and can bring out all sorts of emotions. Just know that you are not alone and that each of these emotions is valid and worth feeling. As a new parent, you must say goodbye to your old life in order to fully accept and embrace your new life. It’s okay to feel sad, angry, trapped, resentful, and just plain tired. Give yourself time and space to feel this feeling so you can truly embrace your new life and love that little guy with all your heart. If you don’t feel it right away, that’s okay. Give yourself time. Here are some tips I’ve found to help me grieve my past life and continue to embrace my new one.
6 tips for grieving the past and embracing the new life
Communicate with your partner or loved one.
These feelings are huge, real and raw. Holding them can make you feel so lonely. Don’t let these thoughts rot in your mind for too long. If you have a partner, talk to them. I’m sure they feel similar and that will help share the space together. If you’re having trouble talking to your partner, talk to other mom friends or therapists first. Sometimes it can be helpful to share your thoughts with another trusted person in your life.
Make time for both of you.
Everyone says that, but it’s important. Having a baby is time-consuming, and taking the time to prioritize your relationship will help you become better parents and enjoy your time with your baby more.
Make time for yourself.
Try to set aside some time for yourself each day. Newborn babies are hard, but even just 20 minutes of walking, taking a nap, bathing, reading, meditating or doing yoga without another little one on you can be so helpful.
Discuss pre-baby family/baby responsibilities.
The key is to have a plan in place before the baby arrives to keep up with chores and take on parenting responsibilities. Once the baby arrives, you’ll be sleep-deprived and overwhelmed with your new life. Knowing that something is going to get done and we don’t have to discuss or argue is very helpful to my husband and myself. Everyone has a different way of making things work. Here are some things that worked for us: When I was breastfeeding, my husband made dinner, coffee, etc. He also does nighttime diaper changes and takes our son to my bed. We handle laundry and housework together. Communication is key.
Limit social media.
Easier said than done…but let’s be honest, social media is such a trigger, and being a new parent is such a vulnerable place. It’s easy to roll blindly while feeding your baby, but it can also make you feel sick. Trust me, I’m still struggling with this! I find that reading, meditating, or listening to podcasts or audio music actually makes me feel better during these times.
Embrace the magical little moments.
Little baby does it better than anyone else. They really live in the moment. Whether that moment is exploding out of a diaper or staring into your eyes with the deepest love of your life. Their warm little bodies and the chest-to-chest tenderness with their frog legs curled up against you are just pure magic. Absorb it and let those moments fuel your tough times.
Willis is now 8 months and we’ve settled into our new normal. I still miss the freedom of the past, but I won’t change it for the world. Sometimes I wonder if I’ll ever be so happy again in my life, and sometimes I feel like I’m going completely crazy. It’s ok. I’m learning from Willie to live in the moment because time really flies and I don’t want to miss a second.
