Trigger Warning: This post contains discussion of difficult topics.
The day I found out I was pregnant was the day before I started throwing up. And I didn’t stop. I haven’t been feeling well for weeks. I had an anxiety attack in New York City a few weeks ago. I feel weak, dizzy, anxious, and it’s not me. I think it’s stress or too much travel, or both. But my period was late, too late, and that was the only possibility I hadn’t ruled out. I had a pregnancy test and it was positive.
My first trip to the ER was 3 days after my positive pregnancy test. Looking back, I can’t believe I waited that long. I was throwing up 24 hours a day. I can’t put down anything, including water. My mom is coming to see me and Craig is supposed to pick her up at the airport. I convinced him I would be fine and let him go. As soon as he was gone and I was alone, I started to panic. I realized I wasn’t actually good.
My aunt happened to text me and I told her I was really weak and dehydrated. She knew I had a history of severe migraines and drove over to check on me. As soon as she walked in she said we needed to go to the emergency room.
I don’t have much memory of my first trip to the ER, other than they gave me some anti-nausea medication and fluids via IV. They did some blood work and had me take home a piece of paper that said I had hyperemesis gravidarum (HG). The doctor didn’t explain the diagnosis, and I didn’t ask questions. In fact, I’m still throwing up.
Hyperemesis ended my life. Every day looks the same. This is a special form of hell.
As I continued to lose weight and become my old self, my doctor assured me it was “normal”. In just a few weeks, I lost over 10 pounds. Every day is an endless vomiting cycle. My body cannot tolerate a single food or liquid. Even with nothing, I would sit in the bathroom and retch until my body was so exhausted and weak I could just lie on the floor in pain.
I spend most of my time crying myself to sleep or lying in bed thinking about how I’m going to spend my day. The problem with hyperemesis is that it makes you so debilitated that you don’t even have the energy to defend yourself. My doctor called it morning sickness. I know more than that.
What I didn’t realize at the time was the psychological toll it was taking on me. In addition to the physical hell of constant vomiting, nausea, migraines, dehydration, and generalized pain, hyperemesis was slowly consuming me. I dare not say out loud how I feel most of the time. I do not want to live. I didn’t want to end my life, but I also couldn’t imagine how I would spend another day.
“I can’t do this anymore,” I tell Craig most mornings. But I was so weak that I could only lie on the bed and cry.
Little did I know I was not alone.woman with hyperemesis more likely to suffer from anxiety and depression During and after pregnancy, and suicidal ideation and post-traumatic stress disorder. After suffering myself, A doctor dedicated his life to understanding its cause.
Before IV fluids became routine in the 1900s, Hyperemesis kills pregnant women so often that the medical literature lists excessive vomiting as a reason for abortion because of the danger it poses to the mother’s lifeAccording to the New York Times.
Throughout history, women have been blamed and punished for having HG. In the 1930s, hospitalized hyperemetic patients were forced to lie in their own vomit. Today, women with HG are often underappreciated by healthcare providers.
It was months of pain, thousands of dollars, multiple trips to the ER and urgent care before I got some relief from HG during my pregnancy.
Eventually through word of mouth, I found out that there is an FDA-approved drug called Diclegis for morning sickness. It’s not covered by my insurance and the first prescription cost $800 for a 30 day supply. In the end, my doctor prescribed a generic drug. Using a daily combination of Diclegis and Zofran, and taking electrolyte supplements, I was finally able to start eating some food and reduce my fluid intake. I had to take these medications throughout my pregnancy.
Only later, through discussions with women with HG, did I discover that there were other options, including receiving IV nutrition and hydration at home. Something that would greatly reduce my need for emergency room and urgent care visits.
Although I was eventually able to eat and move, I still felt weak and had a lot of anxiety throughout the pregnancy. My constant fear of throwing up keeps me from going outside most of the time. The lack of nutrition in the first half of pregnancy left me feeling exhausted on a regular basis. I passed out numerous times throughout my pregnancy, including once in a public bathroom while out alone (which I rarely do for this reason).
After I gave birth, the physical effects of excessive exercise disappeared. The mental toll has always been with me.
It took me a long time to fully appreciate the trauma and PTSD caused by hyperemesis. My fear of feeling sick or nauseated completely debilitates and paralyzes me.None of my doctors mentioned this possibility, but research continues to show Depression, anxiety and PTSD persist for years after hyperemesis.
but, Women’s health remains grossly underfundedAlthough hospitalization for hyperemesis costs patients and insurers approximately $3 billion a year, since 2007, the National Institutes of Health “funded only six studies of hyperemesis, totaling $2.1 million.”
Most of what I’ve discovered about hyperemesis and how to treat it has come from hours of online research and the support of others I’ve found living with the disorder. It breaks my heart when women who are suffering come to me for answers and help.
I am very fortunate that I have a strong family support system and despite being very ill I am a healthy child. I have a flexible enough work environment that HG hasn’t cost me my job, although many women aren’t so lucky. Before I got pregnant, I had never heard of hyperemesis gravidarum. Celebrities like Amy Schumer have put the situation in the spotlightbut so many women continue to suffer silently.
Researchers are investigating HG and A handful of pharmaceutical companies are working to develop an anti-nausea drug for the treatment of hyperemesis. If you know someone with this disease, be their advocate and accompany them to their doctor if possible. There are some treatment options that can help relieve symptoms. Finding a healthcare provider experienced with HG is critical.besides online support group. For anyone suffering from this, I hope that sharing my story helps you know that you are not alone.
