“There are friends who will only bring out the best in you. Even if you are both completely imperfect, you will inspire each other to do the right thing and keep moving towards higher levels of growth. Their light brings out the inside of you Beautiful things shine even more.”
Rongcun
Looking back on my relationships, I am so grateful for the nurturing, loving, compassionate, vulnerable, trustworthy, authentic, meaningful and growing friendships I have built over the years. Some have developed in recent months, others have lasted over 25 years, and they are all so special and meaningful in my life.
I also feel nostalgic, sad and grateful to think of the people who have come in and out of my life. I’m a girl girl through and through. I can’t live without my female friendships. They have been by my side, rain or shine, and continue to be one of the most important parts of my life. These friendships have grown over the years, from play dating in grade school to learning how to apply sheer mascara and roll on glitter to sharing secrets about crushes. In high school and college, those friendships changed as we grew up as young women in romantic relationships, awkward social situations, and discovering our place in the world. Now, in my thirties, many of my friends are people I work with or have similar interests to and other mothers. Being able to connect with these women on the day-to-day chores and the more complex, bigger issues of life is critical to staying sane. Some things we don’t want or can’t discuss with our family and partners are one of the many benefits of friendship.
I recently listened to some podcasts that sparked some friendship ideas.
Most recent season on NPR invisible They unearthed a relationship “that doesn’t usually get much attention in our culture: the joyful, complex, overwhelming and chaotic power of friendship”. we can do hard things Glennon Doyle’s podcast also recently touched on this topic, discussing How do we make and keep good friends?
This got me thinking…
Why do we hold on to friendships that don’t help us, especially when we won’t do it in romantic or family relationships?
Perhaps we do this to avoid conflict at all costs. Or maybe to avoid embarrassment in the future. Whatever the reason, it can’t be worse than forcing a relationship that’s clearly not worth it to either party.
And on the other end of the spectrum…
Why do we have ghost friends instead of having “breakup” conversations like we do with a boyfriend or girlfriend?
I’ve committed ghost friend crimes in the past. In our friendship, things got to the point where something went wrong. I feel like I’m forcing a friendship that no longer serves me. I’ve been maintaining this relationship so I’m not hurting anyone’s feelings. Instead of having awkward or difficult conversations, I avoided and slowly faded from those friendships. I may have confused and hurt those people. Or maybe they were relieved because they felt the same way. who knows? But after talking with friends, I found out that this is a lot more than we thought. Why is this so common, and why are so many of us falling victim to this sad friendship fading?
Why don’t we address the elephant in the room when we feel hurt or hurt a friend?
When my students come to me in tears to share their experiences of betrayal of friendships, there is empathy in my eyes. Even those experiences that happened years ago feel like they happened yesterday. I still feel that hurt when being excluded from going out for a walk or dinner with a group of friends. It always amazes me when I think about it, Omg, shouldn’t I be over by now??
Instead of telling our friends we’re hurt, let’s keep our heads down for a while, or that we’re a little passive-aggressive. Ultimately, we moved on without addressing the elephant in the room. But sometimes these feelings linger. Why is it so hard to tell the truth about our hurt? Or apologizing for leaving someone when you know you hurt them?
What makes friendship meaningful and real?
The Great Friendship: How We Keep Each Other Close Written by Aminatou Sow and Ann Friedman, written by two best friends, explores the history of their messy but dynamic friendships and outlines what it takes to maintain meaningful friendships.
As Sof and Friedman wrote, “The Great Friendship” is…
- A bond of strength, power and meaning that transcends life stages, geographic and emotional changes
- The dimensions are huge and affect every aspect of everyone’s life.
- Full of meaning and resonance.
- Reciprocal, where both parties feel worthy of each other and are willing to give themselves in a generous way.
- Active and enthusiastic.
- Maturity – Its advanced age earns respect and predicts its ability to last far into the future.
Yung Pueblo is a meditator, author, and speaker on the qualities of deep friendship…
- laughter is abundant
- encourage honesty
- Vulnerabilities are welcome
- Support is real and positive
- you can let your guard down
- You inspire each other to grow
- You give each other great advice
- They help in difficult times
- The two of you feel stronger together
Why are we neglecting to give these important relationships in our lives by “breaking up” and why do we hold on to relationships that no longer serve us? Maybe it’s because society fails to give friendship the same social norms that we understand and expect from romantic/family relationships. In this gray area, when things get weird, we don’t know how to move forward.
If you feel hurt in a friendship, what if we reset the narrative by saying it? These conversations can be powerful and transformative. Maybe they’ll make the connection stronger, or maybe it’ll help you realize it’s time to move on. Either way, there’s no harm in trying to have an honest conversation with a friend from a place of love who wants to heal, together or apart.
Do you have a deep “big friend” relationship? If you’re hurt, or you end a friendship that didn’t help you, have you found a way to have a difficult conversation with a friend? Let us know in the comments.
“Some friends deserve a whole chapter in their life story. Things wouldn’t be so good without them being by your side to support you through the unbearable storm and tell you the few hard truths that helped you evolve. Deny it, their essential light makes your life brighter.”
Rongcun
