Thursday, March 28, 2024
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Struggles about second pregnancy


photographer Volcan Olmez exist no splash

Disclaimer: This is a difficult topic to talk (and write about). This experience is unique to me, and by sharing it, I hope to help others feel less alone.


Eight months passed and passed, and it felt like an eternity was another moment.

When we started trying to conceive last August, I had everything planned and in the back of my mind. I am expecting another May or June baby in September or October, I think. A late spring newborn is perfect, the weather is warm enough for a walk outside but not too hot in Vermont. No crazy winter disease spread and fresh air with the arrival of spring. Now, here I am, late March, not yet pregnant.

We were immediately pregnant with our first child. Almost too fast.

We’ve been married less than a month and just moved into a new house. We immediately started randomly trying to have a baby, thinking things might take a while. But all of a sudden, I got pregnant and we started parenting. Between COVID, a newlywed, a new house, and an impending baby, it’s been a whirlwind. I figured the second time would be the same, so we carefully planned to wait until the first time was 18 months before trying again. Mainly because it’s the magic number all the doctors say it needs to allow your body to recover from pregnancy and childbirth, right? ! Apparently my body has other plans…

I wanted a baby so badly that I ignored my body’s warning signs. Struggling with eating issues, chronic low back pain, pelvic floor health, etc. yet we keep trying to have a baby every month while my body screams at me, “I’m not feeling well!” The last 8 months have been transformative sexual. I’ve repaired my body in leaps and bounds, but unfortunately these things take time, and if the body isn’t ready, it can’t be forced. Feeling out of control is one of my biggest fears—and it is for a lot of people. The act of trying to conceive and waiting every month, wondering if the symptoms are PMS or pregnancy symptoms is excruciating and one of the biggest tests of being completely OUT. of. control. Every month, the week before my period, I would go into total insanity.

“I wanted a baby so badly that I ignored my body’s warning signs.”

Omg I was grumpy this morning, oh I must be on my period or wait a minute it feels different, is this a pregnancy mood? Why would I rip off my husband’s head? Is that PMS or am I pregnant? I have a little blood on my panties, is this a spot or is it my period? Man, I’m craving a bowl of ice cream tonight! It could be pregnancy cravings! ?

Seriously, whoever invented pregnancy symptoms and PMS symptoms should have distinguished a little more. Help a girl out!

Here I am, 8 months later and still not pregnant.

I don’t have any exciting news to share or inspirational words of wisdom about how this all ended up being great. Once we get past the worst of it, we often choose to share our struggles. Once everything is neatly tied together. But there’s power in sharing things when they’re still new—when we’re in them and feel like we’re wading through the mud. It’s mud season in Vermont, so there’s more than one way I’m doing it.

It took a year of trying to be infertile, so there is still plenty of time and resources to start using. I know so many people who have tried for years without success and it is heartbreaking and frustrating. I have so much empathy and sympathy for anyone who is or has been going through a difficult pregnancy because it can make you feel so alone and helpless. It can make you feel like there is something wrong with you, that something is wrong with you. It can make you feel like you’re not good enough, or that you don’t deserve it. It’s so emotional and tough.

When you’re having trouble getting pregnant, social media can be more harmful than beneficial to your mental health. Scrolling through everyone’s birth announcements, gender reveals, maternity photos, ultrasounds, and more will make you want to scream and yell. Why them, why not me?

While I was “planning” for this fall, two of my best friends were pregnant. They’re now due in a month or two and while I’m happy for them, it’s hard to know if I can be with them. This is supposed to be something we go through together and I feel like I’m missing the boat. They sailed off into the sunset while I was still stranded on the island.

I am so lucky to have the most amazing sweet little boy. I’ve been wondering a lot lately what if he was our only child and it’s been hard to work out. My husband and I always talk about having 3 kids so it breaks my heart to think there won’t be any more. But in another sense, I’m grateful that we can have someone we can love with all our hearts.

I don’t know what the future holds and honestly, I need to accept it.

It was out of my control, which almost brought a little peace. I need to believe that what is meant to be, will be. Let go of the rule, take care of myself, and hopefully as my body continues to heal, just maybe, it will start a new life.

Things That Helped Me While Trying To Get Pregnant For My Second Time

  1. Share my struggles with family and friends.
  2. Take a break from trying for a month.
  3. Try not to monitor my cycle too closely.
  4. Take good care of yourself. Nourishes and moves my body and rests when needed.
  5. Get on with my life, not put mine on hold.
  6. Schedule regular appointments with my therapist.
  7. Dry Needling, Chiro and PT for Chronic Pain.
  8. See a nutritionist.

This can be a difficult and sensitive topic to discuss, but feel free to share your own experiences and thoughts in the comments if you wish.



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