What makes a relationship last?

This July, Craig and I have been together for 17 years. I think that’s longer than most marriages (the average marriage in the US is 8 years, according to what I’ve googled since writing this post). We are not married (personal choice), but we have been in a committed relationship for a long time. The day we went to take these photos was actually our 17th anniversary, and we didn’t realize it until after the fact, but it got me thinking what makes a healthy and happy relationship work? What makes a relationship last?

Over the years, we’ve had hard times together and we’ve had good times together. The past year/years have been particularly tough for a number of reasons. Tough pregnancy and postpartum, a baby before Covid, our dog lost to cancer, endless illnesses, we barely left the house all winter, and then finally this spring we all got Covid. I know our situation is not unique.

For a lot of my friends (frankly, all of my friends), this seems to be tough (relationship wise). Pandemic fatigue, the stress of parenting and working with the general state of the world. Focusing on my relationship has always been the furthest thing from my mind. I’ve been grumpy, angry, and generally exhausted. Craig too. A lot of times we just feel out of sync.

I wish I could say there is some magical fix. No. But one day recently, I realized that things were a little easier again.

Which brings me to the question, what makes a relationship last? What is the key to a healthy and happy relationship?

It might be a little different for everyone. I think any healthy relationship has its ups and downs. Craig and I met when we were 20 years old. I have absolutely no idea what kind of life partner I want, and I’m certainly not looking for one. Meanwhile, something just clicked when I met Craig.

I was recently with my grandfather, who is 92 years old and married to my grandmother for 66 years. A month after Marin was born, she died. When he entered the Marine Corps, they met him in his senior year of college. My grandmother is in nursing school. He said after their first date, that was it. I asked him what he thought was the key to their 66-year marriage. “You know when you know. I just know, and Helen knows,” he said. “We’ve always been very devoted to each other and our families,” he said. They have 7 children. They work as a team, prioritizing spending time as a family, but also taking the opportunity to leave just the two of them when possible. Later in life, they shared a love of golf and a strong group of friends who spent a lot of time together. For the most part, they enjoyed each other’s company, and when he shared stories and talked about my grandmother with tears streaming down his cheeks, it was clear how much he missed her.

After our conversation, I sat down to write down some of the elements of what I believe to be a lasting partnership, and I found myself coming back to the following:

Believe

I once said in a conversation with someone who was struggling in their relationship, “If you don’t have trust, you have nothing.” Trust is the foundation of everything. If you are with someone you can trust, you feel safe, you can be who you are, and you can express your thoughts freely.

communicate

No one is a mind reader.Communication is so important to people any relationship with work. I think we’ve been trying to learn how to communicate with each other and communicate better. When we argue, it’s usually because we don’t communicate well. I know I have to share what I need and vice versa. The same goes for being a good listener.

core value

Honestly, I felt really lucky to meet someone at 20 who shared so many of my core values ​​(I didn’t know it at the time). Or maybe as my grandfather said, when you know, you know. I don’t recall talking about politics or fundamental beliefs when we met, but they formed a big part of our relationship and a big part of who we were as people. I can’t imagine being with someone I don’t identify with on these things, especially Now we raise our children together. I believe everyone is different, but for me, sharing core values ​​with your partner is an important part of building a strong relationship.

teamwork

Every relationship is different, but a healthy relationship must be a partnership. This looks different to everyone, but it requires compromise and effort on both sides. We have all made sacrifices for each other and worked hard to form an equal partnership. It’s not perfect, but we all try to make it work.

maintain a sense of independence

Everyone needs something different in their relationship, but for me, maintaining a sense of independence is so important. Maybe it’s spending time with your friends, having a hobby or spending time alone. At the end of the day, we are all responsible for our own well-being. It is very important to maintain a strong sense of self.

Express appreciation

Simple, right? I must admit I can be pretty bad at this. It’s not that I don’t appreciate it, it’s that I forgot to say it. A simple thank you for cooking this delicious meal or doing all the laundry can go a long way. Whether it’s saying thank you or stepping in to do a chore you wouldn’t normally do, it’s a great way to show your gratitude.

Make time for you as a couple

It’s a lot easier to do when it’s just the two of us. Once we had kids, everyone said “don’t forget to make time for both of you.” So much so that I rolled my eyes and got a little pissed off. It’s really hard to do, and when we first had the Marin, there was a global pandemic and alone time was barely on the table. We have to think creatively about our alone time, but we do prioritize it and it makes a big difference. There’s no shortage of great conversations and laughter when we make time for ourselves, and I love that.

don’t hold revenge

Every relationship has conflicts. Arguing with a partner is a normal part of a relationship. There is no such thing as a “never quarrel” couple. It’s ok. We are emotionally complex people, but we must also be able to resolve these arguments and conflicts in healthy ways. Holding a grudge doesn’t help anyone. You don’t have to know how to resolve a conflict perfectly or move on after an argument. It takes work and practice. As long as you both want to, that’s the key. My grandfather said, “Never go to bed with anger.” I admit I’ve done that. I am a work in progress.

I don’t know what’s the secret to finding that right person, it’s not even necessarily what everyone wants, and that’s okay. A healthy, happy relationship requires effort and commitment from both parties. Life is not always simple or easy, life is never, but as my grandfather said, sometimes, when you know, you know. I’m lucky that 17 years ago, something told me I knew.

Clothing details: Paige Cicley silk vest, CQY Jeans, Sam Edelman Haydee Sandals, Sezane Paloma Tote Bag, scarf