After my husband passed away in 2014, I fought against God. Although I believe that he has been working hard for a better life for us, I just can’t see it! Many people we know, even some people we don’t know, prayed for my husband for a few months, but did not come. His early-onset Parkinson’s disease and Lewy body dementia are rapidly developing and destroying our lives. There are many days when I ask myself, why continue to pray when our prayers are not answered?
I sat there staring into space, a widow who lost her husband early in my life, and I struggled with everything, especially how to pray and how to proceed. My faith has always been strong. For many years, I have been receiving angels’ messages, feeling that Heavenly Father is by my side, but at this time, my heart and body feel weak and fragile. On some of the darkest nights of my sorrow, my prayers are more of a respite of despair. But I hope God will be patient with me, even if I don’t know if he just left me alone, or if he can handle the emotional prayers of so many people, then I know that I can handle my doubts through tears that I can’t control, not perfect , Gasping prayers.
I spent several weeks trying to become strong, but over time, I remember that just because we pray does not mean that our prayers will be answered in the way we expect. No, God did not heal my husband. He took him away from me and his children, but now it seems that not all diseases can be cured. Maybe after watching my husband suffer for seven years… I long for My husband’s prayers are better, and no more suffering has been realized… The guilt of the survivors is taking over, “Am I praying wrong? I have a chronic disease, why don’t I die first? Now, what should I do? God doesn’t treat me Satisfied, did I do something wrong? I will never pray again!!”
It takes months, even one or two years, for my thoughts to calm down. I remember; we don’t spend a certain amount of time on the prayer clock to get a certain result. In fact, the purpose of prayer is not to persuade God to do our way; it is to get close to Heavenly Father and sit in front of him.
Jesus demonstrated this for us when he prayed on the Mount of Olives before being betrayed,
“Father, if you wish, please take this cup from me. However, it is not my meaning, but yours.” Luke 22:41-42
In this honest prayer, Jesus showed us how to express our hearts to God and how to pray with confidence for His will to be fulfilled. In the following verses, an angel appears to Jesus. Even in his deep pain, he was strengthened by angels.
When I remember that the purpose of praying is to connect more intimately with Heavenly Father and believe in his love and grace, my heart moves back and forth over time.
In my grief, I know that God is by my side, and he weeps with me, providing comfort when the pain is so heavy and my future seems hopeless. Now, I readily accept the sweetness of knowing that I can give the result of every prayer to the omniscient and omnipotent God. I have to give up things that I cannot control, and know that things will develop the way they should, not the way I want!
I will always believe that God will answer prayers. I believe that miraculous healing is possible, but the way I pray is different now. I boldly pray to God that He will heal my family, friends, children or neighbors. I pray for the children whose mother is battling breast cancer, for friends who doubt her marriage can be restored, and for parents who are struggling with rebellious children, I am asked and honored to pray for others, and I see God responded to prayers quickly and slowly in an absolutely unexpected way.
I also pray that God will grant grace, courage and strength to those who suffer and endure pain. My prayers are no longer based on fear or disappointment, because our heavenly Father has proven time and time again that he is faithful.
Eight years after my husband passed away, I am very grateful. I am not grateful for his death or our pain, but I am grateful for God for changing the way I grieve. I am very grateful that God did not reveal the result to me at once, but guided me step by step, one prayer, one prayer, to return to his embrace.
If you are struggling to lose the one you love, I hope you can find some peace in your life and know that you have loved.Spend some time reading about Mental Health
XO, Holly
