A sort ofWhen a car was braking on the street, Jonah Hoffman* interrupted himself in a sentence. Is that what he meant? Is the brake a response to what he just said? He couldn’t figure it out at first. A few days later, Hoffman was talking about exams with a classmate in the mathematics department. The longer they talk, the more clearly he can see the hidden information. This is no longer an unfair math test. Hoffman himself was in a big exam day and night. A secret parallel society is testing him, and he thinks—the way he connects everything to himself when his thoughts suddenly stop filtering.
His boyfriend knew he was overworked. After the intense final semester of the master’s degree, Hoffman began to pursue a PhD in mathematics at the University of Munich. Feeling the pressure to establish a scientific career, he was at a deadlock since the beginning of his research. The fact that pressure makes him confused is new, and his girlfriend is no longer at ease. Before escaping from the shared apartment, she gave him the number of the mental crisis service center. Later that night, Hoffman and his parents were on the mat, in what he thought at the time was the “middle state of life and death.” He believed that he had left the material world. Even his senses tricked him into thinking about things: he sat on his parents’ carpet, recognized a colorful galaxy nebula in it, and played with the stars. “I’m a demigod, but I’m about to explode. This is the bad drug journey I imagined,” he said today.
Treatment in environmental therapy
That night in the Milky Way Nebula was the culmination of the acute psychosis that Jonah Hoffman suffered two and a half years ago. In addition to genetic predispositions, major changes and new beginnings may also be the cause of this disease. To this day, Hoffman regularly receives long-term treatment to check whether he is still standing on both feet in reality. He was recently allowed to stop taking his antipsychotics, which is not without risks. If psychosis recurs one day, he may even be diagnosed with schizophrenia.
It all started with a good feeling. In advanced mathematics, it is important to recognize patterns, think in an associative way, and open up to accept inspiration. When so many unusual ideas suddenly came to mind, Hoffman was very enthusiastic. He took more notes than before and discovered a whole new level of energy to solve major problems. It is speculated that at this point in time, his brain has poured out more stimulating messenger dopamine than it is good for him.
Not only between the numbers, but also between the lines, hidden meanings suddenly appear in daily life. When the people around him were actually talking about the weather, they seemed to be speaking metaphorically. Although this did not make him hostile, it is still difficult for him to accept help from others: even in the psychiatric clinic where he was admitted, every detail still made him suspicious. The staff’s name sounds like the password of someone in his past. During the three months of hospitalization, he was able to convince himself that they were not true double agents after all.
Long sick leave to return to university
In so-called environmental therapy, patients and caregivers live in a community as if they were a big family. They cook and clean together, life is stress-free, and they often talk to each other and generate other ideas. “In the clinic, I first have to learn how to see coincidences again,” Hoffman said. “I no longer take reality for granted because I know it will collapse in just a week.” When the symptoms finally subside, He dropped out of his early math exercise sheet in psychiatry and solved simpler tasks. He is practicing a reality he lost before.
After staying in the clinic for a while, Hoffman got tired of this ancient reality and his field of research. After all, the world is full of magic and basic knowledge for him. Otherwise, he must once again learn to appreciate the little things in daily life and get used to the normal dopamine levels in the brain. Antidepressants helped him do this. Hoffman admits that he misses mental illness from time to time, but he is still fascinated by this stage of his life: “I can still understand some of them. I like to imagine that there is an intermediate world somewhere, similar to mine. Fantasy world.”
He has reintegrated into society, returned to university after a long sick leave, and started a new PhD program. He can increase his workload one by one every hour, and now he can take medicine secretly. Since then, he has been practicing with his therapist how to stay connected with reality. Most importantly, this includes critical thinking, which is rigorous enough to question even the greatest spontaneous inspiration. This is a skill that Hoffman will only use in mathematics-and is also a prerequisite for a free spirit to spend his life.
* The name has been changed. The real name is known to the editor.
Victor Sattler (23 years old) is studying psychology and sociology at the University of Munich. As a waiter, bartender, tutor, theater, and reporter, he gained more real human knowledge.
