VoltMy most recent task is to summarize my resume in a few lines. I positioned myself in what other people did before me, and found many texts ending in a statement: “Married with two children.” I wondered if I should write: “Divorced, no children”, but then decided not to write.
Divorced and childless-it sounds like I did something wrong in life. This is not about failed marriages (if you are still interested: ex-husband is a very good person, and we have a lawyer to divorce together), but about not having children. I am 46 years old and the train has left. Does this make me sad? Still melancholy? The answer is no.
This is a plan, not a wish
In fact, I always thought I would have children. We are three brothers and sisters at home, and our family lives are harmonious; we have no experience against having our own family. However, after graduation, I realized that my plan for having children was actually just a plan. I have no desire to be a mother, and my friends assure me that they will feel it. My brain tells me that the time has come: I am married to a man who I believe is a good father. I also believe that I can manage motherhood. We were at the right age, had a job to feed us, and everyone around us also had children. So I thought: Let’s do it now.
However: it is useless. It seems to depend on me. So I followed the advice of a gynecologist and went to a fertility clinic in a university clinic. After several inspections, this is already very annoying, because they are related to various waiting, fertility experts told me that this may be hormone therapy. However, before that, they will still check my fallopian tubes for leaks. This can be done in a minimally invasive way. I said I would consider it. And never reported me again.
If it shouldn’t, it shouldn’t
I don’t like the idea of accepting this small program. I can’t accept the idea of swallowing hormones even more-I know this is ridiculous, because I have been taking birth control pills for convenience for years. It’s not about worrying about messing up the creator’s craft. I just don’t want to. My head, my heart, my stomach-they are all burning: if it shouldn’t be, then it shouldn’t be.
My husband said that I must decide this is my body. When our marriage broke up for other reasons, shortly after going to the fertility clinic, I felt very sad that I had lost someone I really wanted to spend my old age with. At the same time, I feel totally relieved because I know very well: I no longer need to worry about having children.
Thursday at 2pm
That was ten years ago. At the time, I told people around me that it was right to feel that I had no children, but of course I didn’t know whether I would regret it in five years. Today I said: I still have no regrets. And I don’t think any regrets will appear.
Don’t get me wrong: I like the children around me. I became an aunt last year and found that the creatures that are now family members are very cute. I even thought that if I succeeded then, I would become a happy mother.
I don’t understand what i missed
But I will not miss the fact that I have no genetic genes. I don’t mind that I don’t know your love for your children. Of course, I don’t know what I gave up emotionally. But to be honest, when I see my friends’ family, they usually give birth between kindergarten and high school, and I really can’t tell what I missed. When I visited, I saw that in addition to the undoubtedly beautiful and intimate moments, there are also many childish irrational behaviors and many parents’ troubles. These are snapshots, I know. But these moments seem to occupy a lot of space in daily life.
I like to have my own time, such as reading the newspaper quietly on Sunday morning. Is this selfish? Before the pandemic, I was able to gain a lot from the freedom of voluntary excursions and excursions. Is this selfish? My enthusiasm for hanging out on the playground is very low. Is this selfish?
I don’t think so, mainly because this is not the reason why I consciously give up offspring. I just never felt this was my way. I know that for most other people, the question of whether they want children does not even come up, but the answer is just “yes”. At the same time, I still find myself starting to understand women and find that they are great — and then I am surprised when I find out that they have children. I see a lot in women, but not mothers. This is why I always feel unbelievable when women tell me that they don’t think they are mature because they will not be pregnant or have no children. To me, such thoughts and feelings are absurd. why is that? I have no idea. But I am grateful that it is like this.
